(no subject)

if anything, i guess i would like to figure out what's going on with me.

that sounds really selfish. i think that's my one fatal flaw. my dad had a cancer scare this past month and i'm increasingly becoming frustrated with my lack of a defined path in my life. i saw him three times since he was admitted. i could have done so much more. i feel pretty worthless.

i'm still unsatisfied with myself. i don't know, i fear my depression is resurfacing. i did so well fighting it these past couple of years, and with the introduction of martial arts in my life, i had a new way to balance myself.

i think what i'm really looking at is a compound of events. i mean, the abortion with hilary took a mental toll. sarah and i going from living together for five of the ten months we dated and then her completely vanishing out of my life probably didn't help either. i've also felt pretty worthless for the last few months. i'm not understanding why.

i know i'm too old to be so whiney, but it's really bad now. what's my solace? where's my point of clarity?

(no subject)

Still can't believe the Miami Heat are 2012 NBA Finals Champions. While I'm glad LeBron finally got himself a ring, I really thought this year belonged to Thunder.

I still think a large majority of the Playoffs are rigged. Not the entire NBA season, mind you, just the Playoffs.

Why I'm posting this on Livejournal? Well, I don't feel like going out tonight, so I'm going to stay in and watch the NBA Draft. No one else I know really watches basketball, so why not?

(no subject)

maybe i could see you on the holidays, but you're worlds away.

i never forget our yesterdays, but lucky if we're speaking on the holidays.

(no subject)

it's funny to think that i was listening to braid's frame & canvas my sophomore year of high school. that's when i was in love with brittany. on friday nights i would come home and listen to "new nathan detroits" and it summed up my week. i had monday through friday to try to romance brittany, and i never did. that song was the summary of my failure. like everything leading up to friday came out in that song.

it's weird, because that was 2004. eight years ago. i still listen to that song. i've had this livejournal for eight years...

(no subject)

nothing is harder than knowing you like this person. not knowing if you can get over that. friends telling you that this a for sure thing, but never getting that vibe when speaking to to them.

it's like, if i could, i'd say "hey, dena, i like you a lot. i've found you attractive since the japanese class we took together a couple of years ago. when we danced with each other a couple of weeks back, that was the best night i had. i want more of those nights. i want more of those nights with you" but the words never come out. it's so much harder than that. for the first time since high school, i'm afraid to be rejected.

i really like dena, and that's what scares me. i'd rather fantasize about my choices than risk the chance of hearing a "no thank you" or "only as friends".

i'm a little inebriated, so who the fuck knows?

oh, and dena, if you ever read this, i like you a lot. just when i thought i was going to force myself out of talking to you, i bumped into you on campus today. sunglasses, smile, pink shirt. you're gorgeous.

(no subject)

this has been a funky ass weekend. i did, however, manage to get out of doing my presentation next week.

i'm also going to start posting on here more regularly. i need something to keep me sane. writing used to do that. i have no idea why i stopped.

(no subject)

I don't know where this quote originated from, but I found this on Craig Thompson's (of Blankets and Habibi fame) Twitter:

"You know when you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you’re not part of it."

I wish I could have understood this in older relationships. I wish Leigh understood it.

(no subject)

soon, i'll be leaving evansville. i haven't told much of anyone. i plan on making a trip to muncie, just to solidify a friendship that i messed up. when i leave this place, i'll be alone. i won't have the trappings of social norms and obligations to make me feel like i'm losing my certain uniqueness. i'll end up somewhere on the western half of the us. i have a friend who's given me a place to stay.

i just hope i don't cower out of it this time. that's always been my issue. i had a place to stay in bloomington, too, but i cowered out and by extension i lost someone i loved in the process.

i'm tired of this shit. this will be the last time i complain on this website.